Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Randomize
