And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Randomize
