please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
