Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
