just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
