can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
