Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
