My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
