Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
