I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
