My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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