It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
