i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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