Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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