I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
P.S. I can't hear my feet
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
