I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
