i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
