he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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