Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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