I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
