I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
