pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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