i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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