Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
