the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
