I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
