there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
