So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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