I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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