I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Randomize
