Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
