my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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