Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Randomize
