Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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