everyone is single if you try hard enough
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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