I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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