Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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