it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
