i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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