are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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