Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
