My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
