she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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