I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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