Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
