i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
