I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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