Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
How does one acquire holy water?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
