Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
