My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
