Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
