hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
