I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
