totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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