Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
