I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
