He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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