Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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